You’ve read the statistics; you’ve heeded the warnings; you’ve seen the distress it can cause; but you never thought it would happen to you. When you signed the marriage certificate and said your vows you never thought divorce would be an option that you and your spouse would have to consider. But now it not only is an option- it is the only one that makes sense.

Divorce is not something anyone signs up for but it is sometimes the only thing left to do in a marriage. It’s important to remember that just because your marriage has failed does not mean it was a mistake in the first place. Marriage was part of a learning experience and a big part of your life. Even if the marriage ended in a complicated divorce, you will still have certain blissful memories of a time when everything was perfect.

Practical Matters of Divorce

There are certain steps you need to take when it comes to battling through divorce that must be done. First of all, you will need to contact a divorce lawyer to establish the legal and financial well-being of both parties. You will need to check over your finances and split up any items you share. This may include custody of the children, family support, division or property and division of assets.

You will also need to move out and, eventually, move on. Most divorce proceedings will have one partner moving out of the house. If this is you, then it’s time to start looking for a new house or a new NYC neighbourhood. You also need to move on with your single life as best as possible. Try to focus on the things you loved to do before the divorce- going to the gym, catching up with friends, seeing movies, hosting dinner parties. Do not let the divorce infect all areas of your life. Work to establish structure.

Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. Divorce can feel like your entire world has collapsed and leave you raw with several complex emotions. Your self esteem may suffer; you may feel like you have failed; you may be resentful and angry, especially when seeing happy couples on the New York City streets; you may look towards bad habits in order to help you overcome this pain. Instead of turning to a bottle of wine (or three or four), try these divorce counselling tips for moving on with your life after your marriage comes to an end.

Stability after Divorce

One of the best ways to achieve a level of stability after divorce is to rely on others for emotional support. Many people who are overcoming a divorce have a hard time letting go of the pain and frustration that comes along with it. Look to those around you to help you out. It might be best to avoid couple dinner parties and smug married couple friends during this tough time and instead turn to those who have gone through the same situation. Group support and even online forums may be able to provide you with some assistance. A divorce counselor can offer you professional help in battling your emotional pain. Sometimes the fastest way to forgive and move on is simply to talk it out. Your friends, your family and your Manhattan divorce counselor are all there to listen.

Another great way to get through your divorce is to focus on the ‘u’ instead of the ‘us.’ For years you have probably been part of the ‘we’ team and it can often be hard to get back into the individual mind frame. You don’t have to worry about sides of the bed or cooking without a certain food that your spouse hated. You don’t have to put up with bad movies because it’s not your turn to pick the movie. And, you don’t have to spend those Saturday evenings at your in-laws for dinner anymore. Instead, you are free to focus on you, you and more you!

So what do you want to do?

This can actually be a hard question to answer, especially when your mind is so used to doing things as a team. Try to think back to the things you loved before you got married and write a list of all the things you’ve wanted to do but never had the time for. You can now rearrange your schedule so that you are kept busy with things that make you happy. Perhaps you could redecorate your apartment or join a gym. Perhaps you can now take that cooking class, that pottery class or that vacation to Mexico with your friends. Or, perhaps you can simply enjoy a casual walk around your neighborhood or glass of wine with friends after a long day of work without worrying about the looming fight awaiting you at home.

When a marriage ends, regardless of the length of the marriage or the outcome of the divorce, it can leave your physically, mentally and emotionally drained. However, with the right counseling, support groups and inner strength, you will be ready to tackle your divorce and move ahead with your life with civility, grace and acceptance and an open mind.